ersatzach | (no subject)

After sending Chris to see his dad I stopped over at Pat's. We chatted a bit, and I'm not doing a very good job of hiding that something is off. I told him a little but not much. Pat was Pat. Kind, understanding, offering to be there. I said I'll talk to him more soon. Not sure if I can but... I've got to try... After getting my pets I stopped for some supplies. Chris will probably do a bigger food shopping later, he's kind of taken over in that department since he cooks and I don't that much. But I got some essentials. Eggs, a rotisserie chicken, some of that soup. Good cheese, crusty bread, tomatoes, etc. I get home and Chris isn't here.

I get the pets settled and fed and sit down the coffee I picked up at intelligentsia. I got chris one too, but it'll go cold I guess if he doesn't get here soon. I suddenly realize that in the last week we've hardly been apart for more than a few minutes... and to be truly alone right now feels-- unsettling. I notice my hand is trembling slightly as I hold the cup. I resis the urge to text him to see where he is. I can't rush him home. He needs to talk to his dad. "Noah!" I call and my dog comes over and settled on my lap. "That's a good boy..."

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When I pull into the driveway I see that Zach is home already. I park next to his Prius and grab the bags of food. When I get inside I find Zach and Noah curled up on the couch together. I think he's asleep until he opens his eyes and looks at me. "You two are adroable," I say with a grin.

As soon as Chris opens his mouth Noah rushes over to him and seconds later I hear Harold's collar jingle. I watch Chris cuddle them and I get up, going over. Chris stands and I wrap and arm around him, kiss him. "They missed you," I say. I hope I don't seem as unsteady as I feel. "What's in the bags?"

"A cubic butt ton of Thanksgiving leftovers. My mother packed up enough food to feed us for a week..." I say. I kiss his lips and I can feel...something. "You okay?"

"Your mom's so kind. I-- I missed you. I realized that we've been spending almost no time apart and then I was alone here... I used to like being alone here. Coming home from somewhere, settling in by myself. You understand. I appreciated the solitude. This time... I just kept wanting to text you to find out when you'd get here..."

I feel a little foolish. Here I've been worried that he doesn't see me as a safe haven and...he really does. "I'm home now..." I whisper and kiss him softly. "And I'm all yours for the rest of the night." He nods and smiles weakly. "I'm going to put these in the fridge...is that coffee?" I ask when I see the two cups sitting on the table. "You're my hero," I say and kiss him again. I grab the cup. "I'll warm this up and meet you on the couch. Noah's a good snuggler but I want my turn."

I sit back on the couch and Chris returns with both of our coffees heated up. "Thanks," I smile as he sits down. "I hope you don't think that I begrudge you going to see your dad. I wanted you to. I just missed you," I say and feel a little embarassed. "Um... anyway, did you get to talk?"

"Hey..." I reach out and touch his cheek. "It was your idea, Zach. I know you don't begrudge me going..." I lean in and kiss him again. "I missed you, too, Z. I love you."

"I love you," I say. "So, how's your dad? Is there turkey and stuffing? Cause I bought some stuff but... I could do with thanksgiving part duex..."

"Oh...if you're in the mood we can have a full on Thanksgiving feast tonight, don't you worry..." I say and sit back, hold open my arms to him. he snuggles against my chest and I kiss the top of his head. "Dad sends his love. We talked and he wants you to know that if you need him he's there for you."

"He's a very kind man," I say softly. "Do you-- did it feel better for you to talk to him? I can tell you're holding a lot inside. I guess we both are..."

"We are...holding a lot it...it's not good for either of us. It's not healthy. We need to talk more...to others...and to each other. It felt good to talk to my dad. He was so understanding and he let me cry gave me a hug..."

I hate that I've done this to Chris. "You-- you can cry to me if you need to... I'm glad you can open up to your dad..." I say.

"I know I can," I say softly. "Rationally, I do know that but I feel like I'm letting you down if I do...if I cry." He lifts his head and looks at me. "I feel like I'm failing you as your partner...by not creating a safe place for you. My father told me that I was wrong...and I could see that...when I came home and...and you missed me after only being apart for a short while..."

"I more than just missed you... I felt-- frightened to be alone. Maybe not frightened exactly just-- not at ease. You've given me so much of your strength since-- that night. Right now you're the only safe place I have... the only one... I feel like i"m hurting you by-- bringing this into your life... making you cry."

"See...this is why we need to keep talking...to each other and to...I think we should both talk to professionals. I feel like I'm hurting you...you feel like you're hurting me...we really just need to take comfort in each other as we work through this..."

I nod. "We do..." I look into his eyes. "Is your dad-- is he upset with me that I'm-- not who he thought?" I say and I know its a dumb question but...

"How are you not who he thought you were?" I ask with a frown. "My dad loves you, Z," I say softly. "He was ready to get on a plane to Pittsburgh and do some damage."

"I'm supposed to be this steady, stable man who can-- take care of you and I'm just this mess... Did he really?"

"Yes," I say. "Zach, he would defend you just as soon as he would me. He looks at you like you're one of his kids. And let me tell you...he told me today that what we have is real and good. He knows that we are both capable of taking care of each other."

I sniffle. "I'm glad he thinks that..." I say and exhale. "Do you feel like maybe laying down before dinner? So tired..."

I nod. "Yeah...I could use a nap," I admit softly. "Here? Or do you want to go to bed?"

"Not here. In our bed, under the blankets where it's warm and dark and safe..." I rasp/

"Perfect..." I say softly. We get up and go upstairs to our room and get out of our clothes before we get into bed together, huddle together under the covers.

We press close, breath each other's breaths. I close my eyes and inhale the scent of him, feel the warmth of him. "So much better already..."

"Mmmm...you're so warm..." I murmur. We settle in...wrapped around each other and I close my eyes. "I know we promised...absolute honesty...and we have to really do that...work hard to make sure we stick to it. I won't hide things from you just so you won't have to deal with them. You have to do the same."

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