(no subject)

[ersatzach]

After sending Chris to see his dad I stopped over at Pat's. We chatted a bit, and I'm not doing a very good job of hiding that something is off. I told him a little but not much. Pat was Pat. Kind, understanding, offering to be there. I said I'll talk to him more soon. Not sure if I can but... I've got to try... After getting my pets I stopped for some supplies. Chris will probably do a bigger food shopping later, he's kind of taken over in that department since he cooks and I don't that much. But I got some essentials. Eggs, a rotisserie chicken, some of that soup. Good cheese, crusty bread, tomatoes, etc. I get home and Chris isn't here.

I get the pets settled and fed and sit down the coffee I picked up at intelligentsia. I got chris one too, but it'll go cold I guess if he doesn't get here soon. I suddenly realize that in the last week we've hardly been apart for more than a few minutes... and to be truly alone right now feels-- unsettling. I notice my hand is trembling slightly as I hold the cup. I resis the urge to text him to see where he is. I can't rush him home. He needs to talk to his dad. "Noah!" I call and my dog comes over and settled on my lap. "That's a good boy..."

Comments

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

When I pull into the driveway I see that Zach is home already. I park next to his Prius and grab the bags of food. When I get inside I find Zach and Noah curled up on the couch together. I think he's asleep until he opens his eyes and looks at me. "You two are adroable," I say with a grin.

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

As soon as Chris opens his mouth Noah rushes over to him and seconds later I hear Harold's collar jingle. I watch Chris cuddle them and I get up, going over. Chris stands and I wrap and arm around him, kiss him. "They missed you," I say. I hope I don't seem as unsteady as I feel. "What's in the bags?"

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

"A cubic butt ton of Thanksgiving leftovers. My mother packed up enough food to feed us for a week..." I say. I kiss his lips and I can feel...something. "You okay?"

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

I sit back on the couch and Chris returns with both of our coffees heated up. "Thanks," I smile as he sits down. "I hope you don't think that I begrudge you going to see your dad. I wanted you to. I just missed you," I say and feel a little embarassed. "Um... anyway, did you get to talk?"

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

"Hey..." I reach out and touch his cheek. "It was your idea, Zach. I know you don't begrudge me going..." I lean in and kiss him again. "I missed you, too, Z. I love you."

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

"I love you," I say. "So, how's your dad? Is there turkey and stuffing? Cause I bought some stuff but... I could do with thanksgiving part duex..."

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

I hate that I've done this to Chris. "You-- you can cry to me if you need to... I'm glad you can open up to your dad..." I say.

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

"I know I can," I say softly. "Rationally, I do know that but I feel like I'm letting you down if I do...if I cry." He lifts his head and looks at me. "I feel like I'm failing you as your partner...by not creating a safe place for you. My father told me that I was wrong...and I could see that...when I came home and...and you missed me after only being apart for a short while..."

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

"I more than just missed you... I felt-- frightened to be alone. Maybe not frightened exactly just-- not at ease. You've given me so much of your strength since-- that night. Right now you're the only safe place I have... the only one... I feel like i"m hurting you by-- bringing this into your life... making you cry."

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

"I'm supposed to be this steady, stable man who can-- take care of you and I'm just this mess... Did he really?"

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

"Yes," I say. "Zach, he would defend you just as soon as he would me. He looks at you like you're one of his kids. And let me tell you...he told me today that what we have is real and good. He knows that we are both capable of taking care of each other."

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

I sniffle. "I'm glad he thinks that..." I say and exhale. "Do you feel like maybe laying down before dinner? So tired..."

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

"Perfect..." I say softly. We get up and go upstairs to our room and get out of our clothes before we get into bed together, huddle together under the covers.

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

We press close, breath each other's breaths. I close my eyes and inhale the scent of him, feel the warmth of him. "So much better already..."

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

"Mmmm...you're so warm..." I murmur. We settle in...wrapped around each other and I close my eyes. "I know we promised...absolute honesty...and we have to really do that...work hard to make sure we stick to it. I won't hide things from you just so you won't have to deal with them. You have to do the same."

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

"I will," I promise him. "Is there anything you need to say to me? I know I've-- I know you've been upset when I panick when you're on top... it's not you..."

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

"I know," I whisper. "I do...rationally..." I press a kiss to his forehead. "Irrationally...it hurts...to see that in your eyes...the panic and the fear. I know it's not me...and my father remined me of that...that your experience with Sam is much different from mine with Jeff."

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

"You told me that you and Jeff would-- that you'd fight for dominance but it never crossed that line?" I ask softly.

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

kind of want to murder Jeff now. "How-- how did you forgive him? How can you even stand to be in a room with him? I know it's the same as-- with Sam it was a long time, a systematic destruction of my self confidence and my trust but-- you and Jeff are so close... and how did you trust other men? Weren't you-- afraid that..."

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

"Well...I mean, you're right...Sam was systematically taking you apart. It was mind control with Sam, not just physical dominance. Jeff and I...we were...we are...equals...in every other aspect of our lives...except sex. In bed...he's the alpha dog, at least in his mind...and he's going to mount you and rut and be done with you...which is a terrible way to put it, I know but...it's the truth. Which is why I fought him...I didn't see why I had to be the bitch all the time. I guess because I was the one who wanted the relationship...love and all of the other things he viewed as pointless. It took a long time for Jeff and I to repair our friendship...but he actually felt bad about what he did...when he was sober enough to realize what happened."

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

"And after-- you were so trusting with me from the start. It didn't make you antsy about trusting men?" I whisper.

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

"It was beautiful. You were beautiful. Pissed off and cranky and gorgeous..." I grin.

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

"I'm a bear when I get cranky," I laugh.

[spockn-at.insanejournal.com]

"I wanted to go slow... I didn't want to scare you off... but-- it felt like gravity, invevitable...." We kiss how, soft, sweet kisses.

[cfine.insanejournal.com]

We lay here together and kiss...touch...caresses not intended to seduce or excite but to comfort. "This is so nice..." I whisper.